Another House Dream

Over a year ago, I had a really vivid dream about my house. (You can read about that here: http://andisupdate.blogspot.com/2015/02/it-started-with-dream.html)

Last night, I had another vivid dream about a house - not my current house - but a house that I bought. So, this morning, I looked up what houses represent in dreams.

They actually represent you. They represent your life.

I was kind of blown away by this because I'm not much of a dreamer, but sometimes God uses dreams to catch my attention when I need Him to. I think I needed him to capture my attention today.

Last night, I dreamed that I bought this amazing house for very little money. It was perfect. People would come over and ask how I afforded it. Somehow, it was connected to this resort, and because of that, I had access to a nearly private, in-ground pool; a private hot tub; and even rides.

Inside the house, there was a baby grand piano and a water feature that was three-stories tall. It was peaceful and inviting and absolutely, overwhelmingly beautiful.

I was alone. No Kyle. No family. No friends. Just me.

I think that was important because I'm not gonna lie, aside from meeting Kyle, this past year or so has been really difficult. I haven't been able to focus on anything that's been really important to me: faith, my family, church, health & fitness, and even some of my friendships have suffered. It's been a year of giving up a lot for other people. I don't begrudge that. At times, it is necessary, but today, I felt like God was getting my attention and giving me permission to move on with my life.

In fact, I couldn't see it until just this moment, but I had a meeting with my new boss this morning, where she actually confirmed this for me. She empowered me to let go of something that I've struggled to let go of. I needed her to do this for me, and I'm grateful. And scared. And hopeful.

I'm not going to lie. It is probably one of the hardest things I have to do. But I want that life back. I want a beautiful, peaceful house. I want my joy back.

Today, I feel like God gave me permission.

It's not selfish to take care of yourself. This is probably one of the most difficult concepts I have to wrap my head around. My best friend is a counselor, and she preaches self-care. Every fiber inside of me screams out "You are being selfish!" But the truth of the matter is that it's just like riding on an airplane. When the oxygen mask falls out of the ceiling, you can't help anyone if you haven't helped yourself first. You can't make life better for someone if you are suffocating.

If you don't believe me, Jesus even set this example for us. In the midst of Jesus becoming the most popular guy on the planet, Luke 5:16 briefly mentions that He often withdrew to lonely places to pray. He did this because He knew that He was no good to anyone if He wasn't spending time with His Father.

So today, I want to give anyone reading this blog permission to take care of themselves. Don't let life strangle the joy out of you. It is hard to establish boundaries with people we love, but we have to do it. Boundaries make us all uncomfortable. Trust me, I know. However, the best thing we can do is to establish those boundaries and respect the boundaries that other people set.

Let's all have the best "house" possible.

Last Day

Today is Friday, March 27. It is officially the last day of my fast. I can't remember a time that I've been more grateful for but so happy to see end.

Over the last 40 days or so, there has been a lot of difficulty but a lot of blessing.

As I've been on this journey, I've consistently asked myself if I'm doing this grudgingly or out of a heart of love for Jesus. It must be out of a heart of love.

I am grateful that Jesus asked me to do this. I have been changed. I know that I cannot "live on bread alone." I need Him.

A Week to Go

Well, just two and half weeks ago, I was feeling discouraged, and I just wanted three things:

1.) To have my house back to normal - it's done! Last night, Nikki and I cleaned, and everything is back to normal. Of course, it's not perfect, and there are always things that can be done, but it feels like home again.

2.) For winter to be over with - it's official! Today is the first day of spring! The 10-day forecast has no snow in sight! Tomorrow it's going to be in the 60's. Life is good.

3.) To be able to eat - well, I just have over a week to go. Next Saturday, March 28, I will be breaking this fast.

Today is the International Day of Happiness, and I am happy.

More than Halfway - Day 24

So, I'm more than halfway there. And actually, I've decided to end my fast a tiny bit early on day 39. If you know me well, you know this is killing me. I am a big believer in finishing what you start and taking commitments very seriously. I'm also a big believer in relationship.

It's that last point that has caused me to rethink my ending date. Skylar's 18th birthday is on Saturday, March 28, and I want to celebrate with him. He wants to go out for dinner with me, and if that means I forego a day or so of fasting, so be it. My relationship with him is more important to me than finishing this one particular commitment. I promised myself at the beginning of this that I wouldn't be crazy, obsessive. All things in balance and moderation.

There is no question that this is one of the most difficult things I have done. There have been so many moments when I almost threw in the towel, but I haven't. And I'm so glad I haven't. I've already seen God overwhelming me with unexpected blessing. I'm learning so much about who I am. How much fear is deep inside of me. He is so kind and gentle - helping me to deal with it - and to let it go.

After today, I have two weeks to go.

I can do this.

Feeling Better - Day 15

I spent some time with my family last night, and I am feeling better this morning. I've had this song running through my head, and after I read my Bible this morning, I just listened to it.

Tears streamed down my face, and I knew in that moment that I serve a God who can split a sea so I can walk right through it.

Discouraged

I can't find my journal in the mess that I once called home. So, this seems to be my only place to write. Here's all I want at the moment:

1.) To have my house back to normal.

2.) To be able to eat.

3.) For winter to be over.

Is this too much to ask??? 

I know that it's just a difficult morning. I was hoping for better news. But I didn't get it. And so we wait 10 more days :(

I wish I could snap my fingers, and March would be over. But I can't. 

In the grand scheme of things, I know all of this is temporal. A few more weeks, and it will all be a distant memory. 

Easter, my favorite time of year, is just around the bend. This is what I cling to.

Lord, I need grace this morning.

Fast - Day 9

So, if you read my last blog, you know that I felt like God was calling me to a 40 day fast. I'm at the end of day nine, and I feel pretty good. There are a few work events that I have to attend in the next month that I decided I would eat at so it wouldn't become a big topic of discussion - not that I'm in anyway ashamed about my faith or my participation in lent or even the fact that I believe God spoke to me. I just remember Jesus talking about how we should behave during a fast, and that's how I want to be.

Anyway, I don't know what I thought was going to happen, but so far no major events have occurred. I do feel like scripture is coming alive for me, and I look forward to my time spent in the Bible each day, which is great.

The other thing that is happening is my increased awareness and sensitivity about what is happening around the world.

I have always loved the civil rights movement and always believed that if I had been alive in the 50's and 60's, I would have done something to help fight that injustice. I strongly believe in equality for all races because Jesus loved all people!

So, as I read the news and see all of the attrocities happening around the world - the increased momentum of ISIS; the slaughtering of Christians; the senseless murdering of children - I wonder if I am burying my head in the sand. Is this the Holocaust all over again, and I sit idly by do nothing?

I was so moved by the story of Kayla Mueller, who gave her life doing something. I think what can I do? I'm just little old me from Podunk, OH. How can I be a catalyst of change?

This is something I'm praying about - LORD - show me how I can be a voice for those who are dying and imprisoned. And, I'm also praying for the believers in Syria and surrounding areas - that God would strengthen them and give them courage.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds my future. And I'm asking that He would guide me to how I can love and serve those hurting around the world.